Psalms 37: 3 Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. 4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
I posted yesterday about something that prompted me to think of this passage. If you'd like to read that, it's here.
WHAT THEY SAID IT MEANT
When a new believer begins to study their Bible for the first time, there are so many things that just don’t make a lot of sense. Some things are clear right away, other things seem to fall into place after a short time, and then there are those things that you grapple with for a long time. It certainly doesn’t help if you’re in a church that takes great liberties with Scripture and gives verses & passages a whole new meaning. I want to be fair and say that while not all AoG churches would hold to this method or interpretation, the one I was in certainly did.
This passage of Scripture, and others similar to it (John 15:7, 1 John 5:14-15) were used over and over again, to remind us that if we do this, God will do that. In other words, God's blessings on His people are determined by their level of faith. It was expressed in my old church more than a few times, that God's "hands are tied" if we are a people who's faith is weak.
Let me give a real example:
In 1992 I was in a head-on auto crash. I sustained significant neck injuries and as it turns out my insurance had lapsed for 48 hours (we'd moved and the insurance company didn't get our payment on time). That 48 hour window included the day of the crash so there was to be no medical coverage for my accident. From that point on, any medical attention I've been able to give to my neck injury, has been out of pocket. My pockets have always been on a tight budget so in other words, I've learned (sort of, I don't think anyone ever gets used to it) how to live with chronic pain.
In 1996, I attended a sister-church of my own, where a visiting evangelist was holding a "healing revival". The praise and worship was wonderful, there was a message given (it was forgettable, obviously, since I forgot what it was), and then afterward was a time of healing. I know for many that sounds rather odd, but this was common. Very much Benny Hinn Crusade style, if you had a medical need you came forward for prayer, were prayed over and with the gentle push on the head, you went down & flopped around or cried or whatever.
Well, I wasn't about to do any flopping around, and I knew if the evangelist pushed on my head it would hurt so bad I might pass out, but I went up for prayer all the same. When it was my turn to be prayed for, this was how the conversation went:
Evangelist: Carla, do you believe you can be healed?
Me: oh yes, I believe God can heal me if that's His will! (I was so excited, but had no idea the "His will" part was going to get me into trouble!)
Evangelist: Well, what do you mean? Do you think it's God's will that His children be in pain or sick?
Me: um... no? Maybe? I'm not sure
Evangelist: oh dear child, it is never God's will that His people suffer illness and pain, I hope you know this in your heart! You need to step out in faith and just believe that God WILL heal you tonight and take this pain away forever!
Me: I do have faith that He will heal me if He wants to, I just don't know if he wants to
Evangelist (giving me a weird look): of course He wants to, it's your lack of faith that stops Him from showing His power in your life!
At which point, he prayed some sort of "healing prayer" and a prayer for my weak faith, and started to push me on the head. Had he done that, and caused any downward pressure on my neck, the amount of pain would have been unthinkable, so I just backed up real quick and said amen.
From that point forward my weak faith was an issue in the church. It didn't help that I questioned absolutely everything, every Sunday after church. Especially when the pastor would preach a sermon and use part of a verse completely and utterly out of context. I knew next to nothing but I knew enough to understand out of context, especially when I was reading the verses in my own Bible while he was preaching them.
Not long after that healing revival, I had a talk with my pastor about it. The "desires of my heart" came up, and he asked me if it was a desire of my heart to be out of pain. Obviously it was, and he pointed out to me that the Bible says if we're living a good Christian life and serving the Lord, He WILL give us the desires of our heart. No questions asked, that's just the way it is. I left that conversation feeling like a prime failure as a Christian.
BAD TEACHING = BAD FRUIT
After that day, I became partially convinced that I was broke all the time, in pain, had bouts of anger, had kids that sometimes sassed back, and every other bad thing that was going on in my life, had everything to do with my weak faith and being a rotten Christian. More than just about anything I wanted the pain in my neck to go away, but clearly I wasn't going to get that because I lacked faith & wasn't living a "good Christian life" as my pastor suggested.
I examined my heart, big time. I loved the Lord, loved to study His word, and desired nothing more than to be exactly who He called me to be. Suddenly though, I became plagued with waves of anxiety like I was walking on spiritual eggshells 24 hours a day. I had no peace, I had more doubts than assurance, and I became far more miserable than anything else. I began to ask myself those questions that we never dare admit to anyone:
Maybe I really don't have faith at all?
Maybe I don't love the Lord like I thought I did?
Maybe I'm not a real Christian at all?
Maybe I don't believe the way I say I do?
Would Ben have died if he had stronger faith?
Maybe Ben wasn't really saved either?
The implication of that last question, is what sent me into such tears. If he didn't have enough faith to believe he could be healed (which was the desire of his heart), then maybe he wasn't even a real Christian? If that were the case, he was not in Heaven. I couldn't bear that thought, since I remembered waking up quite often at 3 am seeing him either quietly praying or reading his Bible in the living room. I remembered the thoughts he had about Scripture, the questions he asked, and the peace that he was in AFTER he confessed Christ as Lord of his life. I knew he was saved, as much as anyone could know about anyone else's salvation. Yet, there was that nagging question all the time,
"why didn't he get the desires of his heart???"
The teaching that my church held to, never made sense to me. It logically followed that the only people that get the desires of their hearts, were good Christians that had powerhouse faith. These would be the people that never got sick, had good jobs, nice homes & cars, good kids, etc. Those things were the evidence of their faith. But... the part that made no sense was the fact that I knew truly devout men & women in my church that were terminally ill and below the poverty line. Some were living in government subsidized retirement homes. And then there were the people in church that seemed to "have" it all. Beautiful homes, good jobs, fancy clothes & all that sort of thing. One of those women like that was the worst gossip I've ever known in my whole life. Not only was she a gossip, she was malicious about it and often used "prayer needs" as a means to get info then yap about it with other people. She was brutal. And if the 'evidence' of strong faith & good Christian living was getting the desires of your heart, she certainly did NOT fit the pattern. Neither did those sickly older people.
Needless to say, I was very confused. Now I had doubt and anxiety to add to my neck pain, where before I only had neck pain. None of it made any sense and as much as I tried to study my Bible for myself to see what I was missing, I couldn't even trust my own understanding since it was clear to my pastor my faith was pitifully weak. I felt lost, and there was simply no peace about this.
I was in this condition for several months before a reformed sister came along and made me feel at ease enough to tell her what sort of teaching I was under.
I'll post more about that, why this name-it-and-claim-it teaching is such a dangerous path of bondage & distress, and what I came to understand those verses really mean, in the next installment.
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